It's about ME...

It’s about ME

Years are passing by. Years have passed by. And how very clearly, I can recall the finest & the minutest details about myself. In last 4 decades there has been such a deep & strong evolution for me, which astonishes me to a great extent.

I remember myself as a child & and the years of childhood, which never seemed to be loaded with any kind of a systematic plan, in general, without a dream, a vision, an ambition or a passion.

It was the 70’s and 80’s of the century gone by. It was a normal upbringing and had a very simplistic childhood. Although being brought up in a city like Calcutta, one of the metropolitan tags on the Indian map, I somehow always found my world too limited, too restricted. Especially the 70’s, were like, few hundred meters around me, which was all. That was my world.

A small rented house, joint family of 10, a couple of neighbors, a nearby school, a small adjacent Shiva temple, a little further Ram temple on the way to the school and a small lane adjacent to our building, for the post school hours to play around. This was all for the first 10 years of my childhood. I was a decent student & always did well to make my parents proud during these years.  I still get ghost images of those days, an absolute carefree times, not even an effort to plan anything even for the next moment. Never knew what the destiny had stored in for me, from here.

The shifting to a newer bigger home, a high posh locality, in the early 80’s seems to me a very significant change which took place in my world. As like with everybody else, moving out and leaving behind the house, the school, the friends, was some task. I believe, it’s always like this. It’s never easy to get yourself detached, from what I always believed was my world for now and forever. It was a reluctant, a little uneasy shift.

But when I saw the new house, I would say, one of the most beautiful house I ever had, attached with a small terrace, in a complete new locality and absolutely peaceful compare to my previous experience of 10 years in a main road facing, 1^st floor house. When I saw the new place for the first time, uneasiness which developed because of the shift started getting dissolved a bit. May be could not express or actually experience and understand the feeling that time. But looking back, can now fully understand what was going on within me. There was an acceptance. There was a liking. There was a feel of getting upgraded. A feel of luxury. An understanding of the growth family business has made which resulted in this shift. Somehow, the inner conflict got diluted a bit and started looking forward to some excitement in store. The school was just the next door, a big park few steps away, fantastic people to stay with as neighbors. No sooner could made friends with many of my age in the same building. I would term this, the 12 years, as one of the most exciting phases of my growing. Somehow, every moment is a memory I still cherish and remains a treasure in the pages of my life. 

The medium of learning changed from Gujrati to English in the new school, though it being basically a school managed by Gujrati Trust, but all the subjects were taught in English, besides the first language, Gujrati. Thankfully, sooner could overcome & manage this change of learning medium and continued to be a decent student with decent results year by year. I can say, that these years, actually formed a foundation for my future. I was always with greatest of the buddies whether in school or at home, with diversified talents, interest, capabilities. Always was with friends & colleagues, who were all, I can say, somewhat serious about studying hard, scoring good, be successful as a student, join family business or find a way to earn through some various other, offered and available opportunities. None, can I remember who was not serious about his life. Of course wouldn’t have noticed such things at the time of passing through those times, but looking back, all of these seems so meaningful, so relative, so much so arranged and is making complete sense now.

But somehow even after the first 10 years at the new place, something was a-miss. I still can’t remember any such incident, a discussion, a pep talk, a serious thought provoking moment, which can point that I did carry some ambition in my life. A dream to fulfill. A vision to achieve. A Goal to strive for. A well-crafted path. Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

And I do find it utterly surprising. No plans for life, for future till the age of 18 or 20. On the contrary, as we see today, there is a specific, a very clear view and understanding amongst the students of the age 13 & above. By the time they are 13 they are asked to choose their subject streams based on their interest, talent, capacity and future career prospects.

I do feel it quite strange for myself actually for not having enough future foresight to reach to a certain point in life. Yes, I do remember that to go for medicine or Engineering was the most sought after streams in those times. Based on good academic performance in STD X, I was encouraged and literally convinced successfully, by friends & family, to take up Science as my subject stream and eventually move in the direction of becoming an engineer someday. My dad, I remember, always used to tell me that become an engineer or a Doctor. Though never was he keen on our (me & my sisters’) day to day studies and academic progress, but he was always the first to put his hands on our year end results, would count the marks, and would say it’s not enough. Why so less or why the rank is 2^nd & not 1^st? So one thing was certain that he was very clear about what he wanted for & from his children, to perform & achieve.

But there was never ever any pressure to perform, or to prove; at least academically from any of the family members. Ultimately, the experience of keeping up in the Science stream proved to be sort of non-productive 4 years of my life. I kept on pursuing the same, even after when I couldn’t break through engineering entrances and eventually took up B.Sc. for the graduation.

Somehow, I was more inclined towards Management studies, Business administration. But once I decided to get into Science, I could never come out of it to pursue my interest towards the same. It’s not that, I was very keen to take up business studies that time, but few of my academic initiatives do point towards this interest at that time and un-excusably which was never put forward by me by way of strong demand or initiative. So no point in creating an excuse about that now. But one thing is for sure, that the study of Science, did teach me few beautiful aspects. It trained me with few wonderful virtues, which I strongly believe are rightfully justifiable to be attributed to my few years of studying Science. I developed a good habit of having a strong focus, intent listening and getting into the core of any problem. The why’s and how’s, established in me an inquisitiveness to go to the root of the problem, which keeps helping me even today to take me able decisions.

Once I was through the first 2 years of my studying in science, i.e. at the age of 20, somehow I feel the first real questions started breathing in my mind. May be that was the time I started getting a bit more serious about where was I heading in my life. I had no clue whatsoever. My close friends were already either into their family business or jobs. I could feel myself absolutely clueless. I could feel every moment of my life getting wasted. I was restless.  As the college had afternoon hours, I couldn’t think of attending dad’s office too. And honestly for the few days which I attended, I could never generate any interest whatsoever to look forward to repeatedly go to office. I kept of generating many excuses of not attending office.

Somehow, I see those 2 years, as the years, where I must have started thinking SOMETHING. Though with no clear vision of where I needed to head, but surely that was the time I felt the most miserable as regarding what I would like to do in future. With few friends, I tried getting into something different and something other than our regular family business. We tried software marketing, Selling of Computer hardware & accessories, Stock market investments. But, as the destiny holds, nothing actually worked. Though apparently, getting into stocks looked attractive and source of good money, but eventually failed.

And now the time for one more shift. Bigger than the one before. The decision to leave Calcutta & move to Bombay. My family had already invested into a home and an office space in Bombay few years back. Once again, a strong inner resistance. An absolute reluctance in leaving the comfort zone, fantastic friends, a very comfortable & easy life, good academic background which also created an identity for me.

How could I leave everything which was so good, comfortable & every bit predictable? And of course Bombay was always known to be most dynamic place to work, build a career and at the same time one of the most expensive cities to live and manage lifestyle. And to come out of the simplicity of Calcutta and stepping to match up with the smarter Bombay-ites was always going to be a huge task. So as was obvious, it was a big NO to leave Calcutta, at least for me and my Dad. But eventually the stronger will, insistence & willingness of my grandfather & my mom, won. And we decided to come to Bombay.

During the process of Yes’s and No’s for Bombay, I still remember, that there was that small little phase, where I did realize it was very important for me & it was high time, to leave Calcutta behind. Though it was not an easily acceptable proposition for me & was every bit difficult to come to harmonious terms with my inner and outer conflict. But one thing was for sure, that I did realize it very strongly that it was my time to get detached from this comfort zone. This comfort zone was pulling me into the well of darkness. I could feel myself getting nowhere by staying in Calcutta. I also remember, telling my friends, that “I see dark clouds over us. We are too attached, obsessed & dependent over each other to really break out and achieve something big in our lives. And my going to Bombay would pave way for everybody to grow”. I do remember saying this and hopefully my friends would still remember this and agree.

Coming to Bombay, now it’s been more than 22 years, I can say, that what was missing during my early years in Calcutta was challenges and struggle. None of which I had ever experienced. Not much of expectations around, could never prompt or encourage me to rise to a level higher than what I was standing on. Here, in a completely new atmosphere, limited help from the people around me, limited resources, I had no option but to face the same and prove my worth. Dad was 47 at that time, and for him to leave behind a well-established business and to plunge into the highly competitive business in Bombay was not easy. That was one of the reasons of his NO, as well. All the well-known, successful big people of our industry were in Bombay and to try and create our own space on their occupied land was not going to be easy. The early years in Bombay gave me freedom to think and put in my ideas into action. I was never averted to hard work and these years gave me chance to travel a lot on business to every nook and corner of the country where our business prospects were the best. With God’s grace & some good karmas of the past, Dad’s experience & hard work, ably supported by my uncle at Calcutta office and of course with little initial supportive efforts from my end, resulted in the success of our business in Bombay in few years. And then after, have never looked back.

Its 22 years for us in Bombay, now known as Mumbai. We are still very much a joint family. Business has grown and so do we all have, as responsible human beings. The years have taken away few of our family pillars, but the support, love and care from all within the family & friends, keeps us going.  

There is nothing actually I regret when I look back to the 3 phases (1970-1980; 1980-1992; 1992-today) of my life so far. But given a choice to re-live all these years, I may would like to change few of those times, moments, where I felt little lost. I would have pursued a parallel education in business management, which remained an unfulfilled dream. I would have spent more quality time with the people whom I lost on this journey.

To conclude with, I strongly believe, that it’s important to have an innocent childhood. It’s even more important to allow our children to think and craft their own ways. Let them experience what they would like to pursue. Failures doesn’t matter but the freedom from our side, to let them choose from available options & opportunities, may help them to minimize their regrets later, in their lives. 

THE MINDSET

THE MINDSET

All of a sudden, so many changes are happening at one time.
We have become a frozen witness to the chaotic sequence of events happening & changing, all at one time. And I wonder and feel astonished at the same time, that all that so called accumulated, possessed intellect, the wisdom & the collective experience fail to help in creating sense out of this chaos.

With every passing frame of strange & unpredictable slides of daily living, we see ourselves stepping out of these frames one by one, and find ourselves either moving away or being pushed away and thus getting dis-connected with the real time.
Somehow we seem to be not able to sustain and live in our every changing "New Present".

Questions arise in my mind,

• Did we lose our momentum?
• Do we lack ability to match with the pace of ever changing times?
• Are we not able to adjust, adopt or be comfortable with the new environment?

Doesn't everything seem to be too quick, too sudden, as if being caught off-guard, being caught unaware.?

I believe, the answer lies in understanding & getting into the deeper roots of “THE MINDSET”.

Where most of the common folks are failing and finding themselves being pushed out, is because of the “Mindset” they possess.
Most of the times, it’s easier to adapt to changing situations, changing generations; on physical terms; but quite a task to align with the change in mindset along the line of these changing times.

As a parent, we do always believe that we possess the greatest wisdom and intellect to drive our kids on the path to sure shot success & glory.
And in spite of this belief in ourselves, don’t we often find ourselves at cross-heads with our kids, specially dealing with them in their teens?

It’s not that the children are not matured, or least bothered about the world around them or about their own lives. On the contrary, they are full of aspirations, vision, dreams, fresh thoughts, newer ideas and have novel ways to put their ideas and plans to action.
But, most of the times, none of these manifestations & initiatives from their end, make any sense to us. Isn’t it?
We invariably and quite certainly have our own versions and push-over ideas to counter every words & deeds of theirs.

And here we create conflicts. 

We make matter more complex and complicated between the subjects concerned. And eventually, knowing that the force of current generation is far stronger than that of ours or of our times, we succumb. We retreat. We make an exit.
The only effort which could have created a win-win situation for both the parties, was to put in an effort trying to create an alignment with their flow of energy.

Now, this mindset is not the problem of gap in generations, only.
We face and see this weakness erupting at all levels of our interactions within our society.

Let’s talk about the concept of a normal Indian family. 

We, in India, have always believed in staying together, staying jointly, with all our kith & kins. And that has been going on since years.
Here too, the physical space in the house can be adjusted to, adapted to & compromised with. With mutual love & respect for each other in the home, we somehow manage within these limitations.

But what about the friction which arises due to different opinions, different perceptions, between school of old wisdom and the newly acquired education, due to weakness of external & internal influences, unequal intellect and of course the roots of personal ego which pulls and tightly holds these mis-matched perceptions?
Now these differences give rise to chaos, individual dis-satisfaction and eventually there is a crack in the relationships. And once the things get sour, the damage is ir-repairable.

So did we fail again? 

The only thing again, to have saved this situation to turn hostile could have been the effort to try and align with the mindset of the subjects concerned.
It’s not for only one person to put this effort, but everyone in the family, on an individual basis, could exercise and apply this within their capacities & abilities., and save the situation.

Let’s come out of our homes & talk about meeting newer and newer people every time we decide to move further on our mission in life.
We grow with few of our age-mates in school, in our building, in our locality and make a bond to become childhood friends.
We grow and add few more of the people in our wagon, based on our changing demands & priorities.
Don’t we see the friction here too, in our lives? 

The group of people who we have created, got associated with, made friends with, in different walks of life; somehow, someday, at some phase, at some moment does bring about friction and conflicts.
When younger and relatively uninfluenced & innocent, we had a natural way of aligning to different views, different opinions and thus the “unaware application” of alignment with the mindset.
But now when we move-on in life with different priorities and on the path to reach our goals and targets, anyhow-anyways, we lose this natural instinct.
Our Point of views become self-centric.
The see-saw gets tilted more towards how we would see the things, in fact, how we would like to see the things and make the situation turn in our way as how and what we wish.

Here unlike other losses, the damage is bigger.

The people who had emerged in our life, without any particular reason or mission, got closely bonded, and thus set for life-times; when passes through such conflicts; the situation thus emerges, may force us & throw us towards uncertainty in our respective lives of after-years, when the only joy in life would be to have such people around us with whom we can live through our years, happily and at peace.

Here too, applying wisdom, and putting in little efforts to understand different perceptions and view-points, however un-suitable or un-acceptable to us, could result in the alignment of the group mindset and help you to sail through, as a unit.

Talk about marriage & we have respective spouses taking call to live together in love for the entire life, with mutual respect for each other.
Ironically, the maximum cases of emergence of chaos is in this relationship of life. Why?
Did we ever try to actually reach the roots?

Without any doubt, the families and the people connected must have had tried their best to manage such mishaps and save & restore such situations since years.
But it’s still happening. Isn't it ?
In fact such cases of mutual dis-satisfaction & intolerance towards each other have increased exponentially.
Does that implies, whatever the theories and the equations tried, implemented & executed to prevent such an emergence has failed miserably?
Where are we failing in this?
An interesting point to note would be, that especially in these failures, the scope of reconcilement is minimal, in fact, very rare.

I believe, the problem lies elsewhere. 

This is one of the exceptional cases of application of alignment in the mindset.
What happens here is, that the couple is asked to or expected to get committed to each other, before actually they could work to work-out on such an association as a unit.
When a life time commitment is given or where a couple gets bound in such commitment for life, all the remaining aspirations and dreams of one partner, which are yet unfinished, are expected to be “obviously” supported and fulfilled by the other partner, the partner for life.
We all know that expectations lead to miseries. But the “obvious” attached to the expectations is more dangerous.
One tends to ask more and more , expect more and more, may be exceeding the other’s capacity to deliver or understand or manage.
Such an imbalance, at regular intervals, leads to a painful separation, never to be re-joined.

Moreover, as we all know that in this case, when one ties the knots and when the knot is released, both the times, the commitment taken under law (religious & constitutional), is irreversible.
We may can consider that in the earlier years, one of the genders, usually males, used to dominate, control and the better half used to and was supposed to exist under subordination. And so the power centre being one sided, conflicts were avoided or may be never dared to be raised as an issue.
Now when we are in the world and times of gender equality, the power rests in both the hands. And the individual desires and aspirations have ever since rose multi folds because of innumerable opportunities & choices.
And thus, still pulling along on the same line, with the same expected arrangement & expectations & much more, may not hold good for longer period of time.
One of the two would surely succumb to these external & internal pressures and give away.

So, let's contemplate what must be done to improve and avoid recurring of such situations?

Here, when a couple decides to spend their lives together, they need to have enough time and must try to create and adjust and align to each other’s mindset relating to the remaining life, which is to be lived together.
They mutually need to know, understand & be very well aware of the role one needs to enact pertaining to well defined responsibilities vis-a-vis role of the support system which is demanded & expected from the other.
We do understand that when it's the merging of two completely different human beings and as well as the families, few things are to be taken as granted and accepted by default.
But an effort to enhance the clarity is a must.
May be, in this case, if the mindset is set before the actual tie up, then the chances of falling apart of this institution can reduce a bit.

Thus, from the time we are ready to think about & understand the lives around us, we constantly need to work on this alignment of the mindset.
Not only it saves the meaning of people & situation in and around our lives, but helps us to unwind hidden potential within us to achieve higher and higher quality of life.
Once the concept is understood in its real sense, and the same is applied and exercised from time to time, the negativity, limitations and resistance in life is diffused.
And it paves way for a clear picture, a clear path which takes you only one way, and that’s FORWARD.

By - Sanjay Jogani
Mumbai. India.
sanjay-jogani.blogspot.com

Disclaimer
Mention about any person, place, event, picture, image or logo; is just for reference purpose to enhance the essence of writing for better presentation. It's not intended to trespass the rights of the original owners.